Gas relief, funny topic with serious relief
This article is intended to be read on a full stomach, after you’ve had your glass of wine with your dinner. Before you read any more, I summon your sense of humor to be here and now. If you are too serious, put this down and return when you have your happy face on.
Quiet, please! I’m trying to fart.
Wait, did I just say that out loud?
From family, friends, the Internet, and our experience, we gradually learn different tricks to pass gas quietly when we are among other people. You will find many different distractions that are supposed to help you mask the noise when you want to break wind without being noticed. I have a different idea on this. I propose to make and use a small Patch Muffler that can finally let us fart in public and not be shamed for doing so. It removes the sound, not the smell. So, some consideration is in order.
I’m going to get graphic here, so behave like adults and giggle only in the giggle-appropriate places.
This is a “how-to” section.
Go in the bathroom stall and drop your underwear. Take two sheets of toilet paper. Fold it until your sheet is about three-fingers wide. From here, fold it again and place the center of the inner fold on your index or middle finger. Use your thumb to keep the patch on the finger. Your other hand is free, for now. Bend over, squat a little, and spread the butt cheek with that free hand. Slowly run the Patch as though you are wiping. The center of the fold should be near the center of your anus. Slight skin moisture there should slow down your slow-swiping motion. Do not force the patch to pass this point. Let it get stuck there in the butt hole. Release the patch and release the butt cheek. Your Patch Muffler is now installed.
Get dressed. When you feel your first one is coming, remember, it only removes the noise, not the bad smell. Be mindful of that. Otherwise, it’s a totally quiet experience.
A few details about the technical aspects of the Patch Muffler. It works only with soft and porous paper or fabric. Paper towels and napkins work. (If you try thin plastic or coated paper, you will create a megaphone.) By folding it a few times you build up the thickness of the material. Too thin, and it might get soggy fast from the perspiration down there (when you are working out) and might stop working as a muffler. Too much, and it will feel uncomfortable. This will take some experimentation and practice. If the skin in there is dry, apply a little moisture to it, or your Patch Muffler will move and dislodge and fall to the ground. You might not even feel it being gone. Don’t count your underwear to keep the Patch on your body. So, if it moves from where it’s supposed to be, there is a good chance it could fall from your pant leg or from under your skirt, whether you are wearing your panties or not.
I think this is mostly for the guys because ladies already have a similar Patch Muffler when they wear their thongs. Ladies, in case you didn’t know about the Ninja qualities of your thongs, here is a tip. Bend over and squat slightly. With one free hand, pull on one butt cheek, while the other hand will press the thong string against the opening. Release the butt cheek. The fabric of the thong will dissipate the air silently. You will only feel a pleasant warm sensation when you let it out. (If the thong you have has a plastic or rubber cord for the string that goes between the butt cheeks, it will make you sound louder than a drunken sailor. Just saying.”
One more tip, if you are in a hurry to fart, but do not have the Patch Muffler installed, shove your hand in there and push the fabric of the underwear as deep as you can against the opening of the anus. Don’t forget to squat and pull one cheek with your free hand. It’s like having your underwear running up your butt. If it gets close enough to the opening, it will work as a muffler, if not, it will only feel uncomfortable.
Experiment with the thickness and the size of the Patch you use. I think the preferred way is using enough thickness so you can feel that you have the Patch installed. Otherwise, if you cannot feel it, it’s easy to get confused whether you have one installed or not, and be overly confident when you shouldn’t…
If you need to poop, remove the Patch and drop in the toilet before settling down. After you clean yourself, install a fresh Patch.
The rest is your personal preference to see what works best for you. Savor the moments when you are wearing your patch and can sit, stand, walk, and fart to your heart’s content even in the library. Even on the stage, behind a podium with sensitive microphones. (If you don’t tell your audience, they will never know what you were up to.)
Breaking wind is not socially acceptable and a millions of people live their lives bloated. So, I encourage you to find a way to share this information with those you care about. You can pass it as a joke, or by “accident.” It doesn’t matter how, as long as people get the info. Once they got it, and got it on, you will see it in their new happy eyes. Without admitting as so, they will be eternally thankful to YOU. (After a week or two from the time you gave them the news, don’t be shy to ask for favors. It’s amazing what people would do for the one who holds their secrets…)
For many people, bloating is a daily and painful reality. They stress over it. And the more they stress, the harder it is to relax. And they need to relax to let the air out. Because of stress, some people are unable to pass gas at all. Under stress the muscle in the anus, sphincter, may get so tight, some people are unable pass gas even when there is nobody around, even at night when they are sleeping. This bloating stretches the gut tubes and leads to weight gain. Just image the relief you will provide to these people, who get the urge to fart one or twice a month, but cannot, because they surrounded by other people. Imagine, with the Patch, they can do it, even in a room full of people, even when it’s so quiet you can hear a pin drop. Give this secret to your librarian, and see how your late charges disappear along with their sad faces; while they are working with their customers. (Shhhh, keep it down, we are in a library, for God sake.)
Getting rid of farts is a serious business. Gas in your tummy makes you fat. All I can tell you here is that dieting does not work and it’s all about math and mechanics, not calories, or carbs, or exercising. But medical people will never admit to it, because they need your business. I’m an engineer. I come up with solutions; simple and practical.
On this, I sign out with a sense of accomplishment, knowing that I’ve done my civic duty in informing the public about an important issue.
Now it’s your turn, spread the word.
Patch Muffler
P.M., don’t leave home without it.
Sincerely,
Alexander Nestoiter, author of:
Incredible Ah-Ha Moments: Ideas you won’t stop talking about
anestoiter 